Personal Book Selection

So, I finally read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and I must say that I really enjoyed it; so much so, that I read a few other BDSM (look it up) books.  The first thing I must say about these books is that they are not at all what I expected.  The books are truly love stories with a bit of sex in them (who wouldn't like that?). 

Seriously, when I heard women discuss these books, it was always as though it was something taboo or sinister about them.  I have listened to women talk about how they couldn't read those types of books because they were married or it was "ungodly", really?  This is what I will tell you:
If you are not comfortable in your own sexuality and desires, DON'T READ THESE BOOKS! 

These books are written to emphasize power and ultimate pleasure.  The funny thing is that most will assume that it is power and pleasure from the man's perspective and it isn't.  In these books, the men fully understand the woman's body and what excites her; the power comes from controlling that aspect.  The man's enjoyment comes from his mastery of her enjoyment.  Now, say what you want, but that is pretty awesome.  Being able to trust someone else in the most intimate way that wants nothing but your happiness is the ULTIMATE PLEASURE (physically, mentally, and emotionally)! Denying that is denying yourself of possibilities.

The point of this post is to say this:  What we read DOES NOT define who we are!  I have read a variety of books (from historical events to murder mysteries) and none of them reflect the person that I am.  There may be some that I identify with but none of them define me as a person.  What defines me is my ability to understand different stories, gain perspective, and continue to better myself based on these things. 

Read whatever it is you want, it can't hurt you!
 

Happiness versus Selfishness

I know it has been a very long time since I posted.  So, I thought I would write a quick note.  When I write, I am just sharing my own personal thoughts and perspective.  I am in no way trying to assert myself as the authority on any topic (outside of those posts about me - I do consider myself an authority there).

The things at the forefront of my mind these days has been happiness; mainly because of some very important people that have had a positive impact on my life.  Now, these people don't even know what their happiness means to me but I do keep them in my thoughts because I care and I want them to be happy regardless of where that leads.  For those people, I write this post.

Happiness is a state of mind that we have full control over.  It is on us to determine if we want to be happy or not.  Being happy involves being a little selfish; I am not talking about the selfishness that drive people to take advantage of those that are trying to help or love them terribly.  I am talking about a selfishness that requires you to decide what you want with no one else's involvement. 

These steps are based on my personal experience (and I have repeated them several times even as I type).

Steps to Happiness

- Know what you want big or small; identifying what brings you joy helps to keep you grounded and on your path

- Know that most people are selfish at some point or in some aspect of their lives.  The key is determining how that selfishness impacts you and your desires.

- Know what makes you tick; if there are things/actions that are unbearable to you, stop them at the door.  Letting them have a seat at your table only ruins the meal.  This will involve you taking a stance for yourself (everyone may not like it - BE PREPARED).

- Stop dwelling on those things that are inconsequential to you.  This one can be difficult be cause we make or take many things more personal than we should (I do it quite often).  This is where the list of your desires comes in handy.  If the situation does not support any of those things on your list, let it go.  It's not worth your time and energy.

- Know that what makes you happy in no way shape or form drives or aligns with what make others happy.  There will come a time when you have to make difficult decisions on the relationships in your life.  This step also involves selfishness and taking a stance for yourself.  (I would be lying if I told you this was simple. One hard thing about this step is realizing the misalignment of the relationship's worth (basically, you thought it meant more than it did)).  People can be ruthless, it's important to know how you fit in their lives so you can approach the relationship appropriately.

- Stop letting others define your happiness.  REMEMBER YOUR HAPPINESS IS ALL ABOUT YOU!!!

 

Thank you ladies!

My post this month was very late, so I plan to get them out quicker next month.

We made it back safely yesterday and vacation was great.  We stood at the top of Cadillac Mountain; visited the Boston Gardens; saw the lighthouses of Portland; and spent some well-deserved alone time with one another (all pictures will be available on Google+ shortly).  Even though, it is always hard to come home, I am very grateful for the excursions we are able to enjoy. 

To four extraordinary ladies in my life, Kenya, Shalonda, Jennifer and Dani I want to say THANK YOU!  Thank you for being the friends that you are to me.   Regardless of how often we talk or see one another; you are always supportive and actually take the time to find out about me.  That means more to me than you will ever know.  In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that friends are special to me because they are the people that choose to love you.  You have chosen to love me (not sure why but I will take it J).  You make it a point to check in on me or just to say hey.  Our relationships are void of drama, jealousy or control between us.  I love you guys very much and just wanted you to know.  Talk to you guys soon!

Nice...

I brought the wine and he had the steak and potatoes.  The night was calm, the music described the emotions and there is no place to be tomorrow.  The things that make our time together so awesome.  If every moment is like this one, well... it is just awesome!

That is all.  Goodnight!

Better Late Than Never...

I started this blog for father's day in recognition of ALL fathers and wasn't able to complete it.  But I am going to see if I can go ahead and finish it now because it got me to thinking about my family (all of them). 

I didn't know my father, not because he ran off and didn't have anything to do with me, not because my mother tried to keep him away, and not because he died in war or of some health issue. 

My father died when I was very young; the only father I know is my mom.  The only image I have of my father was us (my father and I) on a pew both dressed in white.  There are several interesting things about that memory but the most interesting, for me, is that my mother said my father never went to church or weddings.  Where does that image come from?  What does it mean?  I don't know that I will ever know the real answer but my thoughts are that it relates to my father and his desire to protect his girls.  I have heard that he was a great father.  I often wonder what my life would be or would have been had my father actually been a part of it.  I am quite sure that things would have been different but not necessarily better or worse.

Every time I think about my father, I can't help but think about family and what that means.  What does that mean?  Every person that has a different view of what that term means.  For me, family represents the people that I am related-to (connected to) via blood ties or marriage.  Why does that definition seem so simple?  The definition is that simple.  If I were not related to most of the people in my family, we would probably not know each other or talk.  Somewhere, along the way we tried to force an interpretation or meaning behind family that just wasn't the case.

But wait, before we go any further let me make one thing very clear...I LOVE MY FAMILY AND WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING ABOUT THEM!!!  Is that clear?  Are there any questions at this point?  Get it?  Got it?  GOOD!

After everything is said and done, family members are people before they are anything else.  The same treatment or mistreatment that you get from plain people is the same treatment or mistreatment you can get from your family.  The funny thing about it is that we tend to excuse it from family.  So, this is the part that I always got backwards, I thought that when someone was your family, you were supposed to treat them better than you would the next person.  The hubby always tells me that I need to work on that thought.  I have taken his advice; I now work on reciprocating what I get.

What is my message in all of this? Regardless of who your parents are, we are all individuals.  Celebrate the differences in one another; they will give you broader perspective.  Stop trying to mold yourself and others into something you aren’t.  Realize that you are not going to like everyone or everything that your family likes.  The beauty of family is that it is the first opportunity in your life to be open to new and different things.

Just me...

I started this post last week and was asked by my husband 'why I would want to post something so personal?'  My initial response was most of my posts are personal.  I went on to say that my posts reflect my opinions and thoughts and I want people to know more about where the person that they came from.  See it is hard for people to listen to, respond, or understand things from people they don't know. 

As I thought about it more and more, I wonder 'why wouldn't I share who I am'.  This blog was created so I could post at my leisure about whatever I wanted.  If today's topic is me, than so be it.  Now, it isn't normal for me to want to talk about myself in this manner.  However, in order for me to become more self-aware, I have to be willing to do some self-evaluations So, let's see how it goes.
 

Basics:  Born in Muskegon, MI on leap day and was baby of the year that year (I think it was because I was a leap-year baby).  Lived in Michigan for the first 19 years of my life.  Have 3 of them most beautiful women as sisters and an awesome mother!  Very early in life, there were three things I loved:  reading, fixing things and helping people.

 

Early Years:  Graduated in the top ten of my high school class a year early (yes, there were more than 20 people in my graduating class).  Played the saxophone for 8 years.  In the early '90s, sang in a group named, Navece (Yes, a Tammy original, a spin on the term novice, representing the shift from adolescence to adulthood).  Navece put out a single (A&B sides) that was sold in 3 states.  Navece also interviewed and performed on both the radio and TV.  The very first job I had was my first year in college in a botany lab. 

 

Thoughts:  There was a time when everything in the not-so-basics section embarrassed me, so the only way people would know was if someone else had told them.  Not because I was ashamed of them or regretted doing them, but because it made me feel like everyone expected more from me.  Truth is, I got hung up on everybody else's plan for me and never really focused on my own plan.

 

Getting more mature:  Moved to TN when I was 19.  Attended Tennessee Tech for a couple of years.  Met my bestest friend for life.  Experienced a 3-year "open" relationship (basically, you do what you want when we are in separate towns, but when we are together, it's me an you - if you learn what that truly means, clue me in).  Hung out with some really great people that made it a point to touch base with me (so I happily returned the same).  Worked at Goody's Family Clothing (where I worked myself to my first management role).  Actually had a situation where I chose friendship over the physical attraction.  Threw some really great parties (and had some thrown for me).

 

Thoughts:  This was the time that I really got to know myself.  Gained a new perspective on beauty, people, and life in general.  Started to test the waters of new types of relationships.  Learned that my directness was not consistent with the "southern" approach; but that didn't stop me (which may be the reasons for the paranoia I exhibit today but more on that later).  Began to accept that everything does not go as you listed in your high school memory book.  There were rules for my friendships and rules for my friendlier relationships.  I was determined not to put myself in another relationship like the previous "serious" one.  If you couldn't comply, there was no room for you in my world.  My friend list was short but built of quality (the friends at this stage are still with me today).  I made the determination that I would never be married

 

Current Situation:  Married to the greatest man alive (for 11 years on Saturday)!  Travel as much as we possibly can; determined to see as much as this earth has to offer.  Living in Memphis, TN.  Outside of my husband, my best friend is the only person that truly knows me and how my mind works, AND SHE STILL LOVES ME TOO!  Having those two in my corner is an emotion I can't even begin to explain.  Working as a Sr. Manager for medical device company.  Barely get to talk to the people that mean the most to me, I would list the excuses but what does it do but prove that none of us are making time. 

 

Thoughts:  Everything that I did or did not do in my past led me to where I am today and I am grateful.  Regardless of how my day goes, coming home to Jamie makes everything better.  My paranoia is still strong but I am managing that day by day.  I've learned that life is short so,

• don't be afraid of being happy (take chances)
• the people making sure you are around are the people that you should be making sure you are around.
• life is really hard, if you choose to make it that way
• anything worth having requires work, REAL work

 

Wishes...:  That I could give my husband a child.  That my mom, mother-in-law and father-in-law could live as they chose and never had to work another day in their lives.  That all my nieces and nephews live life to the fullest.  That those people that make it a point to tell me 'Happy Mother's Day' every year, knew how much that truly means to me.  That Jamie and I get to travel every bit of the world.  That my sister's dreams comes true.

 

Well, I think that's an alright summary of me.  I could probably add further insights but I think this is good enough for now.  :-) 

What's there to be afraid of?

My friend, Dani, encouraged me to keep blogging.  In an effort to avoid cynicism, here it goes.

As I listen to people more and more, I realize how much fear controls our thoughts, mind, and actions.  Fear is a powerful emotion that causes people to do strange things.  To be clear, I am not speaking of physical fears (e.g. car crash, gun shots); I am talking specifically about the mental fear that we control ourselves (e.g. the fear of letting people know who we are, the fear that we are not good enough, the fear that we don't have the ability to do something).  All of these fears are what I consider mental fears and are impacting us daily.

"Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins." - Charles Stanley

What does that mean?  It means that fear causes us to stop thinking and acting; thus decreasing our growth and self-esteem.  From my experience, this "stifling of thoughts and actions" causes feelings of mistrust and a false sense of immobility (stuck in a situation). 

Why does it matter?  It matters because behind this fear we lose our ability to become better.  We lose the ability to develop strong, lasting relationships.  We lose sight of our own capabilities.  This in turn destroys relationships. 

What can we do?  Determine what your fears are; figure out what scares you about whatever it is.  Is it that you are afraid to fail? Are you afraid to hurt someone you love?  Are you afraid that you will be successful?  Are you afraid of being judged?  Whatever it is, you need to understand why it scares you because that the real driver of your fear and many times (at least in my experience) that driver is not real or is irrelevant, so it takes the form of an excuse. 

So, I know someone that is afraid of exposure (like others finding out who they are).  However, if you listened to this person daily, you don't see it.  Over a period of time, you start to pay attention to the questions, the hint of agitation with anything that provides more insight into who they are to anyone else.  My questions, how does others knowing (or presumably knowing) more about you hurt you?  Can they now take over your life and become you?  Yes, there are people that will purposely try to "throw salt in your wound" but you are the controller of your destiny.  While salt in a wound may sting, it doesn't kill you.  Those individuals that allow the salt to deter them have succumbed to the fear.  Those people that clean and dress the wound and keep going tend to rise above the fear.

 

While the example is a bit cheesy, it is relevant.  Everyone has fears some are very obvious while others are not so obvious.  Don't let your continue to hold you back. 

 

**Please note that there is no clinical evidence supporting any of the above. All information is based on personal experiences.**

Actions: Faith-based or Popularity Based?

Jamie and I recently had a discussion around Christianity and its use in today's society.  By adding my thoughts here, we will be able to continue that dialogue.  Before I jump into my personal thoughts, I have to tell you how this conversation came to be. 

One of my co-workers came to my office to discuss the controversy around the movie Noah that she had just learned of via FB.  From her recount, I learned that she really wanted to see this movie until she found out that the movie wasn't based on the biblical account of the story.  She also stated that Christians should not watch the movie because the director is an Atheist therefore he doesn’t know about Christianity.  As she finished her thoughts, I simply stated that she should not discount the director’s knowledge of Christianity simply because he is an Atheist.  I went on to explain that many “non-believers” have studied more about Christianity than many “true” Christians.  I also told her that, from my perspective, if she wanted to see the movie she should see the movie because nothing in the movie should be able to change her personal beliefs.

So, what made this conversation interesting?  For me, it was interesting because the commentary and decisions appeared to be popularity-based NOT faith-based.  Isn’t a part of teaching the gospels understanding those who don’t believe so you can learn to teach them?

Let me stop here, because I don’t want anyone to think that I consider myself a devout Christian or that I am passing judgment on anyone.  My questions here arise because I am not a “true” Christian, I did not grow up in the church and do not feel compelled to go to church every Sunday.  I don’t quote bible scriptures or pretend to know all Christian beliefs.  I do believe that a higher power does exist and my relationship with that power is personal.  I have a high set of moral standards that I try to live by and those that know me know that I am a very caring and giving person; they know my heart.  

To dig a little deeper into the conversation with my colleague, we have to understand the term religion and what it means to people.  For me, the definition of religion in itself states that the beliefs and practices are personal.  However, there is another part of the definition that refers to an institutionalized system that I believe is portrayed in my co-workers commentary and feelings.

An institution is an organization, establishment, foundation, society,or the like, devoted to the promotion of a particular cause orprogram, especially one of a public, educational, or charitable character:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/institution

Using the term institution as it relates to religion gives us the sense that religion varies based on the primary (popular) cause of a given set of individuals.  Does that mean that in any given religion I am only being taught what someone else wants me to know?  If so, are the decisionsand life choices I am making truly mine?  Am I going against my religion by seeking understanding other than what is taught to me?

 

I am not asking these questions to deter anyone’s thoughts or beliefs.  I ask these questions because my fear is that at some point, we stop seeking understanding for ourselves and simply go with the popular belief.  For me, religion/faith should not be something that you bring up when it is convenient or when it seems like the ‘proper’ thing to do.  Your beliefs should always be forefront in your life.

So tell me, what are your thoughts?

Much like the Blogspot itself... random

Friend:  "I am truly excited about this stage of my life and I just wish those that cared for me were as well"

Me:  "I understand and know where you are coming from.  It is hard for people to get beyond jealousy or envy regardless of your relationship with them"

Friend:  "But Tammy I don't understand, they truly adored Greg"

Me:  "They didn't adore him, they adored the fact that you were in a relationship where you could never truly be happy, which meant that you would never be in a better place than them." 

Why would I say something like that?  Unfortunately, it is because I really feel like it is true most days.  See "Greg"  is a married man that had no intention of leaving his wife and my friend was depressed and lonely most of the time.  My friend made the decision that she deserved better and worked to find that, which she truly feels that she has.  Is it my place to question or judge that?  Or try to tear it down?  What benefit do I gain by trying to tear down another's happiness?

Me:  "You need to communicate and get support from your husband.  Everything from here on out should be a collaborative effort between you and him.  Do not let the thoughts and words of others unduly influence or drive the decisions you make within your marriage.  It isn't fair to your husband or your marriage."

I don't profess to have all of the answers or to know who was meant to be together and who wasn't.  What I do know is that a relationship cannot not work if two people aren't trying to work together to build it.  Building it includes respect, communication, honesty, trust, compromise, and love.  If you aren't ready to give that... walk away. 

Every stage of our lives brings new challenges and opportunities.  With each stage, there is risk that relationships with friends and family may weaken while others get stronger.  Understand that that is a part of life; it called development or growth.
 

What about the things you do have?

As we bring our vacation to a close, I can't help but be thankful for the things that I do have in life:  a wonderful husband, a loving mom, sisters I wouldn't trade for the world, awesome friends, amazing nieces and nephews, a home and a job that helps us keep it.

So often , we go through life complaining or listening to complaints about the things we don't have and think we want, things others are doing that we aren't.  Do me a favor, cherish the things you do have because I can assure you that it is much more than the next person; besides you don't truly know what the person on the other side of the fence has gone through or is going through.  Remember you will only see what others want you to see, NOT the truth.  If there is something that you feel you really need in your life, you have the power to change it; just be prepared for what comes along with the choices you make.

Well, I have gone off on a tangent.  The point of this post is to highlight the things in my life that I cherish.  With this time away, I get to think more about my life, Jamie's life, and our lives together and about where we started.  It seems that every vacation Jamie and I take gets better and better.  I think it because each time we spend more time focusing on each other and nothing else.  The one thing I will say, from personal experience of course, is that every marriage deserves that kind of attention.  

Are you a leader or a follower?

So, the question from of my Q&A book is, are you a leader or a follower? 

My answer, it depends on the situation.  While my position at work automatically deems me a leader, leadership requires much more than a title.  It requires making difficult decisions, caring for others, having difficult conversations, being the one that everyone dislikes, allowing others to lead, offering support (sometimes even when you don't agree) and recovering from failure.  True leaders are able to be comfortable and successful on either side of that line (leading or following), meaning that when circumstance require it, they step up.

In most situations, I am a leader always seeking successful outcomes, but there have been plenty of situations where I was disappointed in my actions or words, questioning why I did something, or apologizing for not maintaining a leadership demeanor.  Do those few instances represent me as a whole?  Personally, I think that we are all human and sometimes our behaviors are less than what we expect or want, but that shouldn't be the determining factor of what you represent.  However, I understand that we all have differing opinions.  What's your perspective?

What are you?

If you need some help with this one, consider asking yourself some of the questions below.  Hopefully, they will help you to answer this question for yourself.

• Are you willing to speak up regardless of the audience?
• When challenges arise, do you close up shop and stop trying?
• Do you often let the ideas /thoughts of others overshadow your own views with little consideration?
• Do you prefer influencing or guiding people to make better choices or simply telling them what to do? (Controlling versus leading)
• Do people often come to you seeking your thoughts in situations?

 

A Job Well Done

Headed back home from dropping my nephew back at school for his spring semester.  So amazing to see him growing into a young man.  When young people, kids, are growing you always wonder how they will mature, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  What's totally inexplicable is the person, young adult, that they actually become.

While I don't spend as much time with my nieces as nephews as I would like to, I did get 1 on 1 time with both my niece and nephew that are currently in college.  These two people are much more than even their parents can see right now.  As adults, we tend to not give younger people enough credit.  The one benefit of not having any kids in the house is that I simply get to see them both as adults with their own lives to lead.  Both are confident, smart, fearless, and open.  To listen to them talk about things that they want, learn, or have lets you know that they have not only put thought to whatever it they're considering, they have also listened what their parents-people they admire- have to say.  I am overly proud of my nephew, Donnovan and my niece, Brittany and I want them both to know it.  I also want them to know that Jamie and I are only a call away.  

To their parents I say, great job, it is a huge accomplishment to have raised two mature, strong-minded, and intelligent people; keep being their support system and remember their are young adults who have been listening despite their initial responses.  

P.S.  If there are misspellings/incorrect grammar/punctuation, please forgive me this time, as I am in the car.

Reading does make you think...go figure

Currently, I am reading a few books, two in particular: The Silent Wife and Sycamore Row.  While the expectation is that these novels will be discussed at the end, there are a few statements/situations within both that I find interesting and want to explore more.  Therefore, I want to provide my perspective on some of these situations and hear what others may think.  So, if you like, feel free to respond.  I may make similar posts down the road.

The synopsis of The Silent Wife tells us that it is "...a finely wrought, emotionally charged psychological thriller about a marriage in the throes of dissolution, a couple headed for catastrophe, concessions that can’t be made, and promises that won’t be kept"
http://asaharrison.com/

What it doesn't tell you, is that the "wife" is a thriving Psychologist with her own practice that is very good at understanding/reading people.  Why is this interesting?  Because the story flip-flops from each perspective, you get to see how the each person's mind is working as he or she goes through life.  It is even interesting how the thoughts of the "wife" seem more substantial than that of her husband's.  I am sure this is mainly because she is a doctor and he is a real estate developer. 

One of the first few statements that made me stop and think was this one; "Other people are not here to fulfill our needs or meet our expectations, nor will they always treat us well.  Failure to accept this will generate feelings of anger and resentment.  Peace of mind comes with taking people as they are and emphasizing the positive."  First, what does this mean?  The things that you truly need in life will more than likely not come from other people.  Stop focusing on what you think people should do or say because it is will cause stress and emotion for things you can never change. 

Think about it, how many times have you gotten upset because you thought someone else would do something differently and how did that situation play out? 

Example:  When I went to India, I made it a point to bring back a souvenir for everyone that I cared about or has a consistent part in my life.  First thing I did, when I landed in the US was send everyone a text saying that I was back in the states and had souvenirs for them. 

My expectation: Everyone would be happy that I thought enough to bring them something back and would eagerly try to collect their souvenirs. 
My reality: Most people were happy.  One person never came over to see me, even acted as though they were upset with me (for what I am still no so sure) and barely responded/talked to me for some time. 
My reaction: I then got upset and began pondering all the potential things that the person could have been mad about and kept annoying Jamie with the situation.
My final resolution: Let it go.  I showed an appreciation that most often never reciprocated.  I had to let it go and I sent the souvenir to a friend that I knew would love anything that I sent her.  After I let it go and said I did my part, I had to accept that people are people and I can't base their actions on what I think should be.